A little each day;

CG

Just a short one before I head to bed.

Today during CG, coach Gary anointed his hands with anointing oil and prayed over each of us while we were worshipping. When he got to me, he prayed in tongues first then he said this, “Natasha, I don’t know why but it seems like God has put this in my heart for you. You’re a star, you’re God’s star. God has made you to be a star, like Esther. You know the name Esther means star right? Keep on shining, keep shining for God.”

I opened my eyes, he smiled a little at me and went on to the person next to me.

Something just exploded somewhere inside my soul, and I was just so overwhelmed by God’s presence and His voice. The next thing I knew, I heard a voice within me saying “Look up.” And when I did, I saw a single twinkling star in the vastness of a starless sky. I cried.

You know, I feel so much lesser than a star. I don’t even feel worthy enough to be a star. I’m so messed up inside. But knowing that God loves me and sees me in such light, it’s mind blowing. It’s crazy. I know, I’m not here in this world for nothing. Through Him, from Him, by Him, I have worth, intrinsic value. I’m here to shine, to be His light, His star.

I have worth, I’m loved, I’m valued, I’m highly favoured. A star set in His place to shine for Him

Ahh. Lord, You’re awesome. I can’t get over it.

FYI, few months earlier someone else also spoke a prophetic word over me and mentioned Esther in the bible. And even before that, I kept running into Godly encounters that have seem to have the name Esther popping up somewhere. Isn’t God just amazing?

I’m going to read Esther again before I sleep. Sorry if this entry doesn’t make much sense, I’m pretty tired. Haha. Goodnight.

Call It The Way God Calls It!

Romans 4:17
17… God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did;

Many a time, when we look at ourselves, we don’t see what we can become. But when God looks at us, He sees what we can become by His grace.

When Jesus first saw Simon, whose name in Greek means “reed”, He changed his name to “Peter”, which means “rock”. But did Peter instantly become someone with the characteristics of a rock — solid, stable and unshakable? No, for a long time, he continued to act like a reed that bends every which way the wind blows.

Once, when Peter saw Jesus walking on water, he took a bold step of faith and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.” Then, as he was walking on the water, he saw the boisterous wind, got scared and when he began to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” (Matthew 14:28–30) Another time, he said, “Lord, I am ready to go with You, both to prison and to death.” (Luke 22:33) Then, a few hours later, he denied knowing Jesus not once, but three times. (Luke 22:54–62)

Yet, throughout his reed-like behavior, Jesus kept calling him “rock” until one day, how Jesus saw him began to take root in him. That day, on the Day of Pentecost, Peter stood up to preach and 3,000 people were saved! (Acts 2:41) Peter had indeed become a rock, a pillar in the early church.

That was how Jesus transformed Peter. And that is how God wants us to change the people and situations in our lives.

“Pastor Prince, are you telling me to call my wife ‘a fruitful vine’ as in Psalm 128:3? You should see my wife. She looks more like a dried-up sour prune!”

My friend, God did not tell us to call those things which exist as they exist. What is the point of stating the obvious? It is not going to change anything. No, God tells us to call those things which do not exist as though they did, and they will!

© Joseph Prince, New Creation Church

capelesscrusader:

There are these times in my life where I find myself thinking seriously about relationships. I have never been in one and I am completely fine with that fact, it has made my life much more simple. But there are times when I truly allow myself to consider it, to consider myself being on one, I try to picture it, if I think about it too long I start to long for that feeling of holding someone’s hand being allowed to kiss someone whenever I please, you know maybe see what all this hype is about with having a significant other and it depresses me when I think too hard about it because I know that I could be complete crap in a relationship. I’m too scared to commit to anyone or to let someone that close, the idea of giving someone that amount of power over me paralyzes me with such fear of getting screwed over yet again by someone I trusted that I couldn’t possibly allow myself to be in one. My life is much easier without a boyfriend, albeit, a tad lonely on some days. Sometimes, though, I’d like to see what it’s like, just sometimes.

I just commited hyper suicide.

deathsweetseduction:

I feel super sad cos I’m super hyper right now that when I talk to Natee, she gives me the one word one sentence answer. :( this is so FML potential. Hahaha I’m kidding! I know you’re busy, but actually I still feel sad. Very =______= . Hahaha. But I understand. But still!….. But sigh! Boo. :(

Aiyo, I’m so sorry. I’m actually multi tasking now, so I can’t give you my undivided attention. Haha, but I still love you anyway. Don’t feel sad! Think of Rina and laugh! Hahahaha.

Finally.

I’ve been trying to write this entry for the longest time.

And it always ends this way- I write a whole chunk, reread it and decide it’s too vague, too ambiguous.. Sometimes too stupid. Then I select it all, hit backspace and write a short sentence to sum up whatever I’m feeling. And that summary will be once again, pretty vague and ambiguous. I mean I understand that blogs, will never be private anyway so I can’t really mention anything that’s too personal. But that’s not the point, it just frustrates me how words sometimes stifle me. English, with its rich vocabulary just sometimes can’t translate my thoughts too well. So I’m trying this one last time, taking in mind that I’m not here to write a beautifully choreographed prose, I’m here to speak my heart.

The thing is this. I fail, I fail at confronting my feelings.

My room is a perfect example of who I am. It’s pretty neat on the outside, but that’s because I chuck all unwanted things into various drawers and cabinets. My drawers are a mess. Huge mess, every thing’s all over the place. Because I think that if I just hide them (at least for a while), as long as I get this mess out of sight for now, it’ll be alright. I can pretend my room isn’t messy for now. I can go back to deal with the mess in the drawers later. But thing is, I don’t deal with the mess. I just let it sit and accumulate as much mess as it can, until it eventually becomes too full and too messy.

Same thing with myself. I chuck away feelings, the ones I would really love to avoid. My hurt, anger, fears, disappointments- mostly it’s the repercussions of situations where people have let me down. I just store it up somewhere in the back of my mind, plaster a smile on my face and move on. I pretend nothing happened. Occasionally these feelings come back to haunt me, then I’ll push them back again where it belongs. It’s like sweeping dust under the carpet instead of throwing it all away.

So, throughout the past few weeks God’s been trying to get me to face up to these past hurts. To confront them then to let them go. I have learned that I had to acknowledge that fact that yes, I do feel this way before I could fully give these emotions to God. If I never confronted my feelings, I would’ve continued pretending like these emotions didn’t exist, when for a matter of fact, they do. They’ve just been swept underneath the carpets, I was just trying to “numb” myself.

And confronting them is frightening. It’s like opening the drawer, you know.. You see the mess you’ve been trying to hide. Because I’ve spent so long trying to hide the intensity of the hurt I’ve felt, suddenly seeing them in full light just scares me. It opens up to how vulnerable I really am, how insecure I really am, how extremely sensitive and over emotional I can be and how incredibly naive I’ve been. Basically, I saw how messy I was inside.

It’s really really scary.

But then, I’m looking at myself and looking at this giant mess of my insides and I realize that despite all these… My insecurities, weaknesses, fears, brokenness, vulnerabilities, all that is in my flesh, I’m still loved. Still loved.

In fact, I’m loved so much that a beautiful Saviour died for me, so that He could take all that is my flesh, to give me a new self. In fact, He died to give me His self. He gave me His self so I could live like Him, He gave me His self so I could be perfected in His way forever. He tells me, “Just as I am, so are you in this world.”

Here I am, trembling in my flesh of sins. But yet, amazing grace tells me I am made perfect with Christ, and I can walk in a new flesh that is not my own but of His. It just, my gosh, it makes my heart leap and my eyes water at this fresh revelation of love.

The scales fell off my eyes, and I realize how important confrontation is. It brings to light that in true fact, you can’t save yourself. You were never a saviour. You don’t have to carry this weight yourself, and you can’t just pretend the mess is not there and deal with them later. You’ve got to clean up the mess now. Open up the drawers, empty them and give the things that you don’t want to God. Jesus died to take away what was in your flesh. And you realize again, how wonderful Jesus is. That He loves you so damned much that He’s so interested with dealing with the crap that you have (haha).

I’ve also learned now, how temporary this world is. I read this in Jill McCloghry’s blog, and it’s so apt and beautiful:

“It struck a chord in me, that this is life, full of joys and sorrows… that we live in a world plagued by the truth that it is not our eternal home. This place, after the fall of man, was never again meant to be a place that we would live forever. I feel somehow renewed knowing that in this sorrow there is also such great rejoicing, as our beautiful friend is in heaven right now rejoicing with the angels:: and whilst we are left here on earth, there is much to be done before we see him again. “

Our trust therefore, should be in God first. You and I, borne of flesh will do as flesh does. Just as how I can let people down, because I’m not perfect, so can people let me down because they’re not perfect. And it isn’t their fault, none of us are perfect. In order to guard our hearts, it is so important to seek God first in everything. Everything. It is so important to discern His voice before we start placing our trust, hopes and hearts into someone else. Don’t place your heart in this world, for it is temporary. Place it in God’s unchanging hands, and your heart will be kept renewed. We need to teach ourselves not to want anything from this world.

I think I’m done, I’ve been typing for a while. I shall leave with a verse.

“So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” 2 Corinthians 4:18